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1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
She thought she was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every
minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend
on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal
to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets
out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only
talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12. Consciousness: That annoying time between
naps.
13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
14. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted
to Be When I Grew up.
15. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want
Fries With That?
16. A journey of a thousand miles begins with
a cash advance.
17. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
18.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was
already taken.
19. A picture is worth a thousand words, but
it uses up three thousand times the memory.
20. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken,
a lifetime commitment for a pig.
21. The trouble with life is there's no background
music.
22. I smile because I don't know what the hell
else to do or wots going on.
+++
Pick-Up Lines U Need 2 Know
If U Belong 2
A Singles Church ---
{1}-"So,worship here often?"
{2}-"Read any
good Bible passages lately?"
{3}-"I think you're sitting on my Bible."
{4}-"I'm Catholic.What's your sign?"
{5}-"Don't
worry,I'm attracted to you
purely in a spiritual way."
{6}-"Hi,angel!"
{7}-"How about we go over to my place
for
a little devotional?"
{8}-"What's a charismatic like you doing
in a mainline place like this?"
{9}-"My prayers
are answered."
{10}-"Hi,this pew taken?"
{11}-"Excuse me,your name must be Grace,
your really Amazing." ---
+++
Funny Church Bulletin Mistakes
20. The service will close with "Little Drops
of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in
19. This afternoon there will be a meeting in
the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at
both ends.
18. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
"Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
17. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and
medication to follow.
16. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream
social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
15. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs.
Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
14. Next Sunday a special collection will be
taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
something on the new carpet will come forward and do
so.
13. bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening
in the church hall. Music will follow.
12. The rosebud on the altar this morning is
to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Julius Belzer.
11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon
topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
10. The preacher will preach his farewell message,
after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
9. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed
the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe
supplied our pulpit.
8. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of
our church and community.
7. The church is glad to have with us today as
our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with
him. After the service, we request that all remain in
the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
6. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting
of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little
Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
5. For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
4. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the
delight of his audience.
3. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church
help.
2. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs.
Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the
pastor.
1. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing
of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement
Saturday.
+++
- A man asked a rabbi, " Why didn't Jesus choose
to be born in twentieth-century America?" - The rabbi shrugged his shoulders and said, " In America? It would have been impossible.
Where can you find a virgin, firstly? And secondly, where will you find three wise men? " ---
- A Jew is sitting in a train opposite
a priest. " Tell me, Your Worship, " the Jew asks, " why do you wear your collar back to front? " " Because I am a father,
" answers the priest. " I am also a father, and I don't wear my collar like that." "Oh," says the priest, " but I am a father
to thousands." "Then maybe," replies the Jew, " it is your trousers you should wear back to front." ---
+ RockyTop Medical Terms +
{ Folk-Medicine
}
Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What
doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat Scan.....................Searching
for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact
with her.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not
a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Hangnail....................What you hang your
coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper
than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post
Operative..............A letter carrier.
Rectum......................Darn near killed
him.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Tumor.......................More
than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by
PoliticalBloopers
"Things are more like they are now than they
have ever been." --President Gerald Ford
"My fellow astronauts..." --Vice-President Dan
Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
"Capital punishment is our society's recognition
of the sanctity of human life." --Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah,
explaining his support of the death penalty.
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President
"I stand by all the misstatements." --Dan Quayle,
defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes
"Gerald Ford was a Communist" --Ronald Reagan
in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has
one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry,
Washington D.C.
"We found the term 'killing' too broad." --State
Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with
'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its
human rights reports for 1984.
"This is a great day for France!" --President
Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"This is the worst disaster in California since
I was elected." --California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual
gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talk show host."
--James Baker, televangelist.
"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies.
Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."
--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir
River, Ireland.
"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods,
just routine items for the police." --U.S. Commerce Department
spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various
products abroad.
"Facts are stupid things." --Ronald Reagan,
misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention
+++
What Does Love Mean ?? ...
+++
A group of professional people posed this question
to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds. "What does love mean?
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't
bend
over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather
does it for her all the time, even when his hands got
arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your
name
is different. You just know that your name is safe in
their mouth."
Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy
puts
on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each
other."
Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody
most of your French fries without making them give you
any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy
and
she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure
the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when
you
get tired of kissing, you still want to be together
and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that.
They
look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas
if
you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 {Wow!}
"If you want to learn to love better, you should
start
with a person who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6 {we need a few million more Nikka's on
this planet}
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt,
then
he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little
old
man who are still friends even after they know each
other so well."
Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and
I was
scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw
my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing
that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't
see
anyone else kissing me to sleep at night"
Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece
of
chicken."
Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty
and
still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even
after
you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she
gives
me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new
ones."
Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up
and
down and little stars come out of you." {what an
imagination}
Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet
and she
doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say I love you unless you
mean
it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.
People forget."
Jessica - age 8
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo
Buscaglia
once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The
purpose of the contest was to find the most caring
child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next
door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently
lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy
went
into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his
lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the
neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped
him cry."
+++
Warning! - Ladies 'Beware', - i.e., "Love"
is Not what it seems sometimes --
{ClickBelow} for the "Relationships 101 Movie",
& things U Need 2 Know ...
{Click Here} to play this "101 Movie" - SoundOn
{Click Here} 4 Mommys Little Helper "Movie"
{Click Here} 4 the Impala Incident
+++
May the stars carry your sadness away,
May
the flowers fill your heart with beauty,
May hope forever wipe away your tears,
And, above all, may silence make you
strong.
Chief Dan George
+++
Thank U 4 your visit
John
{ClickMe} 4 more Fun Stuff -
 
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