Image by © Ljubo Gamulin 2011

Received by Mercedes Kirkel
On May 13, 2014

Question: I have a son who is almost twenty years old. He’s becoming a man and right now there’s a bit of a separation in what he’s allowing me to do as his mother, and how close he’s allowing himself to be with me and to share with me. I would like to find out what I can do within myself to open a space that can bring more harmony, and more of an equality-based relationship as adults–instead of him feeling like I look at him as just a child, so we can have a better relationship.

Mary Magdalene: This is such an important transition that you are talking about. Just your awareness of it alone is a great blessing—to your son, especially, but also to you. I acknowledge you and honor you for this awareness that you are bringing.

This is such a critical moment in a young man’s life. He is separating from his childhood relationship to his mother. This will affect his future relationships with women as lovers and partners. So it is a very, very important transition, where he is allowed to sail on his own ship as a man. It is a transition that a man truly needs to make on his own. It is a rite of passage. It is wonderful if he has other men in his life who, first, can be role models for him and, second, who he can turn to if he needs support. Does he have this in his life?

Questioner: No, he doesn’t.

Mary Magdalene: This makes it more challenging.

What would be optimal at this point would be if there was a circle of men. It would be most optimal if they were spiritually aware, awake men who could take over guiding your son at this point, to the degree that he needs it, and could relieve you of feeling any remaining responsibility for guiding him into his autonomy as an adult. But if that is not the case, then what may be the best is to be very open with him in your communication. Explain to him your position. Explain that you feel a very important and wonderful transition is underway into him becoming an adult and an independent man, and that this will involve a change in your relationship with him. Explain that you’re celebrating this.

It would be very wonderful if you could find one or more ways to celebrate this, so that you actually made it into an outer transition, a rite of passage, in some form or other. It could be something as simple as a gift that you give or something more elaborate. If he’s open to some kind of ceremony, that would be wonderful, but he may not be open to that. It could be something like a trip that you take together. Make it something outer, where you actually mark this transition. That would be very wonderful.

Be open with him that you would like to transition into a new kind of relationship with him. Describe the relationship that you would like to have with him and also be honest about any reservations that you have. For example, tell him if there are some areas where you feel that he still needs further guidance, in a parental kind of role, and affirm that you want him to have that guidance. Consider together with him what would be the best way for him to receive that support that would satisfy both of you—satisfying his needs for autonomy, freedom, and independence and also satisfying your needs for feeling in integrity as his parent that you are providing the support that he needs for his highest good (to the best of your ability). That support does not necessarily have to come from you, but you need to see to it that it is provided in some form or other.

Does it feel like that would be a process that would work between you and your son?

Questioner: Yes. I just have to do it in a gentle way because he has resistance right now to me offering any kind of guidance. We’re doing better right now and we are taking a trip to a place where he’s more considered an adult. So I think that’s positive. Just talking to him as you’ve described, I can integrate that into our conversation.

Mary Magdalene: Yes. First of all celebrate, always celebrate. Acknowledge ways that you see him being responsible, capable, competent, making choices that you are so happy about. To really acknowledge those is very important, because part of his reactivity is his own insecurity. It may not appear that way when you’re on the receiving end in the moment, but he’s actually really needing support and reassurance, and partly giving that to himself in a kind of over-reactive way by taking the stance that he doesn’t need any help. So definitely acknowledge him.

Then acknowledge your needs, which are places that you still feel concerned, or nervous, or whatever. You need reassurance and you’re asking for his help to give you reassurance. Then give ideas of how you could get that reassurance. For example, you might say, “One way is if we talk about things together and you told me how you were going to handle it, and asked me if I felt comfortable with that—not because I’m going to tell you how to do it but because it will really help me. I need to know that you’re taking everything into account that I can see, and if you’re not that we can talk about it.” So you’re phrasing it in a way that you’re asking for his help to go through this transition, which is for both of you. He’s transitioning into being an autonomous, independent male. And you’re transitioning into letting go of the role of overseeing him and being able to trust and release him into the world as his own being. So you’re asking for his help in your transition that you’re making. This is what would be really valuable. Does that make sense?

Questioner: Yes. And he’s very sensitive so he would consider that as something that was important. So that’s a good way to do it. Thank you.

Mary Magdalene: Yes. And then you can suggest that you want to relate more as equals. You want to be able to put both your ideas on the table and come up with solutions that handle all the different aspects that are involved for both of you. So you’re not saying that you want to be in charge, but you’re not saying to him, “I bless you to do whatever you want and forget about me.” You’re suggesting, “Let’s create a new dynamic during this transition where we’re co-creating. That’s part of the transition toward you moving into creating your own life and me feeling totally at peace with that, so that I feel ready to let go and release you to that.” How does that sound?

Questioner: Good. That makes sense. I can do that.

Mary Magdalene: Wonderful. This will help him as he inevitably moves into being an autonomous, independent man, and then starts to open into relating to women from that position. This will create a trust for him in his future relationships with women, where he will start to learn how to co-create with a partner, rather than being distrustful and it being a potentially conflictual dynamic. This is what all people need as they move into adulthood and what so many didn’t receive. For men in particular, this is their challenge because many felt like they had to push away from their mother and escape in some ways. When they come to relating to a partner, to a woman, they’re still carrying that old imprint and they have trouble opening up to intimacy, trust, and co-creativity with a woman as an adult. So this will help him tremendously in his future relationships.

Questioner: Thank you.

Mary Magdalene: Thank you for your caring and your consciousness as you move through this transition with your son.

Questioner: I hope that I can do the best, from a different place than I would have a few years ago.

Mary Magdalene: Yes. Express that to your son, just in those kinds of ways. He will feel your heart.

Questioner: OK.

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